a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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