Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
