"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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