There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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