I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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