My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
