When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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