We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
