She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
