You smell like a Billy Joel song
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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