So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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