I've blown a few things in my day
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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