last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
