I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
false alarm. still invincible.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
