Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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