i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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