with your own penis?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
