The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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