Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
