I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
