you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
