that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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