Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
