Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
