If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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