Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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