Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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