Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
