You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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