I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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