You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
