You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
