its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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