OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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