Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
