Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize