Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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