Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My dad is sitting where you rode me
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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