I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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