Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
