You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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