Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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