I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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