a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
