You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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