if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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