Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
