I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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