booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
