Moan for me like Helen Keller
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
