Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
