I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
