Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
why do cheetos always look like penises
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
