bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
