You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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