i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
