It's Friday. Sex?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It's never too late to be topless.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
