he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
