: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
